So, recently I’ve been referred to as a “bitch.” I’m sure we’ve all been called this obsequious term at some point in all of our dashing existences, however, in this particular instance of being called a bitch, I was inspired. Now, I’ve been called a bitch many of times (mostly by ex-partners or my fabulous gay male friends or by my heterosexual male suitors) but this time it was different. Perhaps it was because I was the culprit this time. Yes, you heard right—I called myself a bitch.
I don’t know whether or not to cry or rejoice, and therein my friends, lies my inspiration for this post.
What exactly does it take to be a bitch? What are the parameters surrounding complete and total bitchdom? How does one achieve “bitch” status and how does that status relate in the totem pole of other, albeit relatively, obscene name-calling terminologies?
Well I’ve done a lot of thinking since this incident, and I’ve come up with a list; a list of a few key characteristics of, “the bitch”. Now before I begin, let me specify that this post is gender-specific. I am referring only to women who are considered bitches because societally, it seems that the connotation for a man considered a “bitch” is completely different.
Let us begin.
1. Think about yourself.
Always always always think about yourself. Think about who you are, what you want out of life, what you desire from others, what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and alive, what makes you happy etc. When you start to think more about yourself and your needs, people will automatically label you as a bitch. This is a beginner’s bitch ability. This is the vital beginning to your journey of becoming the ultimate Bitch. Brace yourselves, young Bitches.
2. ALWAYS, tell the truth.
There is absolutely NOTHING more bitchy than telling the truth. Nobody likes to hear the truth. The truth is that pesky little slut that gets around town and forces you to face yourself, be introspective and dare I say it…change your ways. *shudders*
Please read the following scenario:
Other woman: “Do I look fat in this?”
Non-Bitch: “Oh girl no! You look fine! Here, look-let me just tuck this in and…SEE? Perfect!”
Same Woman: “Do I look fat in this?”
Bitch: “Truthfully, yes. No shade hun but that outfit just isn’t flattering. Here, let’s try…this! Now this will accentuate your best assets.”
Hmm…interesting. Moving on…
3. Do your OWN thing, on your own. Make your OWN decisions.
Doing your own things alone is the ultimate bitch move. Buy your own plane ticket and take yourself on a vacation, even if your friends don’t have the money to go with you. Take yourself out to dinner and a movie! Eat alone and people will automatically assume you’re a bitch! Why? Because no non-bitchy woman would be out eating alone in anyone’s restaurant! Oh no she wouldn’t! Decide for yourself on what YOU want to do! This is the ULTIMATE “Bitch” move.
4. Win arguments and prove points in debates.
Ah. There’s nothing a real bitch does better than winning an argument or proving a strong point in a debate. Object to something that was said to you, about you or anyone else? BITCH. Stand by your own ideals and beliefs? BITCH. Defend your feelings? BITCH. Prove someone wrong? SUPER BITCH.
And last but not least, my newly christened Super Bitches…
5. Say, “No.”
Saying “no” will cement your place in the bitch world for life. Saying no is powerful. It signifies that you have a mind of your own, that you THINK, that you are capable of making your own decisions! This my friends, THIS is how you become a bitch! Your friends want to borrow money? No! Your boyfriend wants you to go down on him? No! Your new date wants to take you home! NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN!
Congratulations, you have done it! You have achieved the Ultimate Bitch status. I applaud you, y’all some bad Bitches.
Before you depart, let me leave you with the following equation:
Power = Thinking for Oneself + Defending Your Own Opinions + Standing Up For Yourself + Thinking About Your Needs + Using the Word “No”
Woman +Power = Ultimate Bitch
Now, toodles to you Bitches. and remember, you have what it takes.